A few misconceptions of MY married life:
1. Married people have no life outside themselves
2. Married people only hang out with other married people
3. Having girl/guy time is considered taboo.
Lately I have run into a TON of people who, in my opinion, has a skewed view of a married couples social life. A family friend saw Thomas on Friday and asked where I was and when Thomas replied that I was out with one of my girlfriends she was shocked. She said "oh well that is nice you let her out to see an old friend." Another friend had stated that since I was married she figured I was living on married Island and that I would only hang out with my husband or other married islanders.
I should have known that this would be an issue right after I got engaged. There was a major shift in attitudes with my friends once Thomas and I became an engaged couple. My phone stopped ringing and invites to hang out were fewer. At first I thought some of my friends were jealous, then it when things panned out it just seemed that they figured once I was engaged I was gone. They thought my whole life revolved around being glued to Thomas' side. I am totally baffled by this concept. Any one hold this view and wish to clarify the thought behind it?
The entire time Thomas and I dated we made it a point to be very involved with our friends. I have seen how so many times when a friend gets caught up in a relationship their girlfriends or guy friends get pushed to the side. Now I fully understand that things change when you enter a relationship, and time has to be investing in knowing your partner, and growing with them. That said, some people cannot balance a relationship and friendships. Because of this natural pull to seclude oneself, I battled hard to maintain my friendships with my girlfriends. As for my friendships with my guy friends, most of those changed as they should. Thomas and I dedicated time apart to spend solid fellowship with our friends. I still did girl nights; movie, ice cream, facials, shopping, makeovers, etc... Thomas still played football, beat his chest, conquered video games, had pipe smoking sessions, and whatever it is that men do together.
As Thomas and I are getting settles here in Phoenix we have looked for another foundation of girl/guy friends. The transition to marriage took a major blow on my friendship toll, and for that I am filled with sorrow but I not for one second filled with regret.
When we moved back here I had lost most of my support and friendships from my college and had been gone so long that I hardly had any roots left here in AZ. Thankfully those friends I do still have are phenomenal and I am undeserved to be their friend. This girls are Melissa, Laura, Katie (both of them), Amanda, Britney, Jessica, and Kat. I praise the Lord every day for these girls. But of this group of friends only 2 of them live in AZ and both of them are close to moving away soon. For this my heart breaks. Thomas has been able to lay some roots here and has bonded with a few guys, and has even started a very small men's fellowship time with these men once a week. This was an answered prayer for sure.
Thomas and I love each other dearly, but know also know that it is healthy to have other relationships that help keep us accountable, and sane. Thomas does not like to paste crafted cards together and send them to his guy friends just like I refuse to play touch football. I honestly believe that there is nothing wrong, and that it is healthy even to have time dedicated to spend apart from Thomas. I would like to hear some other ladies, or men I suppose, thoughts on this subject. Anyone else made this transition and noticed a difference in how your friends treat you? Maybe it was just Thomas and I... it would be our luck, haha.
Okay I promised to end each blog with a wedding memory... which to choose from? By the way, it has been brought to my attention (courtesy of my mother, how fitting) that I should not call these disasters, but memories.
Wedding memory #1: My wedding flowers were stored in a donut shop for 3 days.
After ordering all my wedding flowers bulk from Costco I was PUMPED! We ordered about 1750-200 long stemmed Cala Lillie's. After they arrived I freaked out, and was in over my head; see I forgot to take into consideration that we would have to store all of these flowers and I had arranged for them to arrive 2-3 days before the wedding (as suggested). They arrived 3 days before. I went out and bought 4 or 5 large trash cans filled them with water and unpacked them. Due to my mom's frequent visits to a local coffee/donut shop they offered to store them. This was perfect, but it also set itself up for another eventful memory... to be heard later!
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Hey Allison. I want you to know that I know exactly what you are going through. Once I was engaged to Chris it seemed that I took on some "virus" that people wanted to avoid at all costs. Believe it or not, it wasn't just my single friends that seemed to go away, it was my already married friends too. Its like a code or something. Once you are married, you don't ever have the same kind of friendships again for some reason. Sure you call once in a while and even email from time to time, but you rarely meet up to hang out. You say stuff like "we need to hang out soon" but it just never seems to happen.
ReplyDeleteI think its a huge misconception that when someone gets married, they only want to spend time with their husbands and no one else. This is 100% the complete opposite..at least for me. Its when I became married that I realized how much I desperately needed my girlfriends more than ever. Yes your husband should be your best friend, but they can never give you the same kind of friendship that your girlfriends can. They are a different kind of "best friend". We still need facial nights, movie nights, and sleepovers to help us through life and to bond and keep our friendships alive. I have to say that I personally miss my girlfriends a lot. A prayer on my heart right now is that I will be able to have those strong friendships back again and not have them be the weird kind of frienships where you never really see the person, you just let them know that they are missed. The thing stopping me right now is that I feel that everyone is too busy. I see my life and know that its busy and I'm afraid anytime I try to hang out with someone, they are just going to be too busy too. I need to get over that and just try, I know. I wish I could hang out with my friends all the time like back in the day. Anyways, sorry this turned into a novel :) just wanted to share my input. Unfortunately there is a misconception about married girls like us and we have to fight really hard to keep our close friendships going strong and let our friends know that it doesn't matter that we are married now, we still need them and want to hang out.
I have been there too girl. Except my experience with girls wanting nothing to do with me started at the very beginning of the relationship. After engagement I had no chance of becoming friends with these girls. It's a real shame because I think a lot of times great people are passed up because of relationships/engagements/marriage. I take solace in knowing that a lot of these girls will be in our shoes some day and will hopefully rethink their misconceptions. & thanks for the wedding story...that is funny!
ReplyDelete...and as for time apart...I dare you to spend all your time with him, you will loose your mind. Not because you don't love him, not because you don't have anything in common, I feel that it is so incredibly healthy to spend time apart!
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